What Do You Regret?

Ouch.

Just seeing the word regret stings a little.

Merriam-Webster defines regret as "sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one's control or power to repair." An article from Medical News Today adds that regret is often tied to agency, or our sense that we had control over a situation but failed to act the way we wish we had. It often goes hand in hand with "what if" and "if only" thinking.

Like happiness and sadness, regret is a universal human emotion. I like to think of regret as that belly-aching, electric feeling that shows up when we think about what we could have, should have, or would have done differently. For me, regret is an "ouch" emotion.

Someone special to me recently graduated from high school and shared that during a senior lock-in, she had her tarot cards read. She was looking for a sign from the universe that she had made the right choice about where to attend college.

Why was she searching for that reassurance?

Because, like many of us, when we're faced with a life-altering decision, a question inevitably creeps in: Will I regret this?

Unfortunately, the best advice I could offer was: We never really know until we try.

Others have offered wisdom like:

I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end. -Drew Barrymore

I knew that if I failed, I wouldn't regret that, but I knew the one thing I might regret is not trying.-Jeff Bezos

You may also have seen "No Regrets" tattoos that eventually become internet memes when regrets is misspelled. But if we follow Drew Barrymore's logic, perhaps the incorrect spelling is just one of those little details that help make that person who they are in the end.

Like most emotions, regret is complicated.

Asking someone, What do you regret? feels almost as inappropriate as discussing religion or politics at Thanksgiving dinner. But is it? Maybe not. A global study of more than 26,000 regrets across 134 countries found that people actually love talking about what they regret!

According to Daniel Pink's work, people around the world tend to share the same four categories of regret:

Foundation Regrets: If only I had done the work.

Boldness Regrets: If only I had taken the chance.

Moral Regrets: If only I had done the right thing.

Connection Regrets: If only I had reached out.

So now I have to ask: What do you regret?

Did what you thought of give you the same ouch feeling that it gives me?

Maybe it shouldn't.

On the Mel Robbins Podcast, Daniel argues that regret is actually a gift!

He says:

"Somehow we've been taught the idea that you should be positive all the time and never be negative, and always look forward and never look back. And that's bad advice. And you don't want to have the conversation where 10 years from now you have to tell the you of 2036, hey, I blew it. What you should be doing is saying regret is part of the human experience. It's a signal. It's a knock at the door. Answer the door. See what it has to tell you."

So, if you decide to answer the door and listen to what regret has to tell you, what now? You make a change!

If you have a foundation regret like, "I wish I had saved more money," you can start saving.

If you have a boldness regret like, "I wish I had moved to a new city," you can make a transition plan.

If you have a moral regret like "I wish I hadn't lied," you can tell the truth next time.

If you have a connection regret like, "I wish I had called my parents more often," you can pick up the phone.

Guess what? Because you thought about that regret now...and not in 2036, you can take action, flex your agency, and change your circumstances.

That is a gift!

Now, that feels less like an ouch and more like an ahhhh.

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Find one thing that brings you joy today.