What Does Empathy Actually Mean?

Do you remember when Elmo innocently checked in on everyone back in 2024?

"Elmo is just checking in!" he posted on X. "How is everybody doing?"

The general response was various iterations of "not great."

Elmo hasn't asked the general population how they're doing in a while, but based on the 2025 World Happiness Report, which ranked the United States 24th in the world, its lowest position since the report began, we can probably assume the answer wouldn't be much different today. A resounding "eh" or "okay," at best.

So, other than asking how everyone is, what can Elmo (and the rest of us) do about it?

Nearly fourteen years ago, Sesame Street featured a lesson on empathy with Mark Ruffalo and Murray. The conversation went something like this:

Mark: Tell them about the word empathy, Murray!

Murray: Um...oh...

Mark: What's wrong?

Murray: Well, you're not going to believe this, Mark.

Mark: What?

Murray: But I can't remember what empathy means.

Mark goes on to define empathy and share a few examples, like the time he stubbed his toe or lost his favorite teddy bear. But I want to go back to Murray's comment:

"But I can't remember what empathy means."

Do any of us really remember what empathy is?

Mark reminds Murray that empathy is the ability to understand and care about how someone else is feeling. To demonstrate, Mark stubs his toe, and Murray responds that he can imagine exactly how painful that must feel. Then Mark shares the story of losing his favorite teddy bear, and Murray imagines how sad that experience must have been.

Through those simple examples, Murray realizes that empathy isn't just knowing that someone is going through something difficult. It's putting yourself in their shoes, understanding their emotions, and caring about how they feel.

With that definition in mind, when was the last time someone was truly empathetic toward you?

And when was the last time you were truly empathetic toward someone else?

When I teach empathy to my students, I find that identifying genuine acts of empathy is one of the hardest reflection exercises we do. There is usually a student or two who proudly identifies as an "empath," and the examples come naturally. (Maybe that's you.) But for most of the class, they really have to dig.

What I find most interesting is that many of the examples students share are actually examples of sympathy, not empathy.

Someone might describe feeling bad for a classmate who failed an exam or for a teammate who had a rough game.

Those are compassionate responses, sure, but feeling bad for someone and feeling with someone are two very different things, and they often lead to very different outcomes.

I first learned this distinction from Dr. Brené Brown.

In one of her lectures, Brené explains that 'empathy fuels connection and sympathy drives disconnection.' She references nursing scholar Dr. Theresa Wiseman, who identified four qualities of empathy: perspective-taking, staying out of judgment, recognizing emotion in others, and communicating that understanding back to them.

Brené goes on to explain that empathy is vulnerable because it requires us to search our own experiences for a moment when we felt something similar. And then, boom! That's how we connect.

My favorite part of her lecture is when she shares one of the clearest indicators that we're practicing sympathy instead of empathy.

The sentence starts with:

"At least..."

Think about the last time you shared something difficult with someone.

Did they respond with, "Well, at least..."

For example:

"I'm really struggling to make new friends after moving to a new city."

"Well, at least there are plenty of places nearby where you can meet people."

You know how those conversations go and how they make you feel.

The person saying "at least" usually has good intentions. They're trying to make someone feel better. They're trying to solve the problem.

But... the connection piece is missing.

Maybe reintroducing empathy is one small way to begin closing the happiness gap.

Yes, I think children should learn about the power of empathy. But when was the last time this conversation happened in your workplace, during a team meeting, or around a conference table? When was the last time this conversation happened with loved ones around the dinner table?

What if we all became just a little more intentional about flexing our empathy muscle both in our personal lives and professionally? Maybe we'd strengthen our relationships and become a little happier, too.

So, the next time Elmo checks in and asks, "How is everybody doing?" the answer still might be "eh" or "okay."

Perhaps instead of trying to fix the answer, we can spend a little more time understanding the 'why' behind it and practicing empathy.

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Find one thing that brings you joy today.