How Do You Make Friends?

I love being a college professor.

But you know what I hate? When I fail my students.

I once had a student receive an incredible job offer from the Fortune 500 company of her dreams. But there was just one caveat...she would have to relocate to a new city where she didn’t know a single person.

She enthusiastically accepted.

One day after class, we were chatting about her upcoming move when she asked, “Do you have any advice on how to make friends after college?”

I paused, then said something like: the best way to make new friends in a new place is to find people who share your interests.

Take your dog to the park and meet other dog lovers. Go to an in-person Pilates class and say hello to the person next to you. You’ll likely be onboarding with a group of new people, so you already have a common bond. See if anyone wants to grab dinner after work one day.

That's when I failed her.

I never told her how hard it is to make friends after college. To ease her anxiety, I made it sound easy. It's not.

Or at least for many of us, it's not.

According to the American Perspective Survey (2021), nearly half of Americans report having few close friends. In fact, 49% say they have three or fewer close friends, and 12% report having none at all.

So, why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?

Before I try to answer that, let's rewind. Why was it easier to make friends when we were kids? According to We Thrive Together, there are a few reasons:

1. Proximity and Time Spent Together

2. Shared activities

3. Conflict is easily resolved

As children, friendships seem to just..happen. Why?

Let me paint a picture for us. It's the first day of first grade, and you're 6 years old. I know... we're going way back. Stick with me.

The bus picks you up, and you find a familiar face to sit with, the same familiar face that you formed a friendship last school year. You chat and giggle nervously. Then you get to school and are rotated through classes with the same group of classmates. Based on your last name, when you line up for lunch, you're also next to the same two kids. You chat about how excited you are for chocolate milk and cheese pizza. At recess, you meet back up with your friend from the bus. You remember the advice that you got from your parents, and you collectively decide to ask another group of kids if they want to play. They enthusiastically say, 'Sure!' After school, you have soccer practice where you are with some of your classmates again. You stretch and eat orange slices together. From start to finish, bonds are formed. Why? Because you were naturally in a situation where you spent a lot of time together. Easy!

So, what about conflict? When conflict arises in childhood friendships (maybe your friend decides to sit with someone new on the bus), it’s quickly resolved. The next day, somehow, you all squeezed into one seat, trying to hide from the bus driver.

Can you remember a conflict that lasted longer than a few days with any of your childhood friends? Maybe not. Now, can you remember a conflict that lasted longer than a few days with any of your adult friendships? Probably.

Adult friendships are, well, more complicated.

Why? For some of the same reasons, it was easy to make friends in childhood.

According to Mel Robbins, proximity, timing, and energy are the three pillars of friendship and determine the strength and sustainability of adult friendships.

These pillars start to get complicated in our 20s. Why? Mel explains that in our 20s the rules of friendship change. For the first time, all of the formal friend-inducing social structures, like college, dissolve! She calls this The Great Scattering, or the time when the conditions and environment for friendship changes. Friends start moving to the city or suburbs, get married, have babies, lean into their careers, travel the world... you can fill in the blank. She goes on to say that this is when friendship goes from a group activity to an individual sport. And all that holds you together is a text chain. You know the one she's talking about...

And this is where conflict can creep in. Maybe you had to miss a friend’s wedding because of the birth of your first child. Or maybe you couldn’t swing the cost of a weekend getaway this year. These are valid reasons, but they’re much harder to navigate than something like not sitting next to your friend on the bus.

Okay, so we get it, it’s not easy. That’s what I wish I had told my past student.

But here’s the good news: it’s still possible to build meaningful friendships as an adult. I’ll leave it to the experts for the advice, because I’m very much still figuring it out, too. Here are the two most practical pieces of advice that made my notes app.

#1. Recreate the natural conditions and environments where friendships can flourish. In a 2022 article, Marisa Franco suggests that one of the secrets to making friends is to pursue a hobby in a group and keep showing up. Why? Because, just like in childhood, you’re sharing an experience and creating space to be vulnerable. She explains that vulnerability is often what’s missing in the relationships we spend the most time in during adulthood, like with colleagues. Group hobbies offer a different, more human way to connect.

So, say yes to that yoga class or running group!

#2. Actually spend time with people. A study by Jeffrey A. Hall (2019) found that it takes about 40 to 60 hours within the first six weeks of meeting to form a casual friendship. This is the adult version of asking, “Do you want to play?” on the playground. As adults, it can feel just as vulnerable to ask, but once you do, you open the door for a bond to form. And over time, that bond can grow into a meaningful friendship

More interested in maintaining your current friendships? Check out this other Mel Robbins or Jay Shetty Podcast. They are gems.

My mentor always says, "It's only hard because you haven't done it before." I'll add this: making friends as an adult is only hard because you haven't done it recently. But you have done it before.

Go back to the basics.

Do you want to play?

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Find one thing that brings you joy today.