What Can You Actually Control?

A nor’easter impacted the U.S. East Coast this weekend. But you know what happens in the midst of the nor’easter? Everyday life.

Weddings were still scheduled. Our favorite sports teams made their way out onto the field. Emergency service providers were on duty. Babies were born. Hospital shifts changed. Families gathered around dinner tables. Dogs still needed to be walked. Birthdays were celebrated. Life carried on.

The weather is one of those things that is completely outside of our control, yet sometimes we hyper-focus on it as though we have some say in the matter. Like so many things beyond our control, the only thing we do have control over is how we respond.

There were probably brides who cried their eyes out when they saw the forecast and others who smiled because rain on a wedding day is supposed to be good luck. There were athletes who blamed a dropped ball on the conditions and others who adjusted, focused, and played on.

You might be thinking: Are we heading down the road of toxic positivity here?

Stick with me. We are not.

A nor’easter, or anything else outside of our control, isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes things are genuinely disappointing, painful, or unfair. We don’t have to pretend otherwise, but we can acknowledge what is difficult while still choosing how we respond to it.

That isn’t toxic positivity; that’s optimism.

Optimism doesn’t mean convincing yourself that rain is wonderful when you desperately want sunshine on your wedding day. Instead, it allows us to acknowledge reality while choosing to look for what is still good, or what we can do next.

The ‘choosing’ part is what makes toxic positivity and optimism so different.

You can choose to ignore the situation and think, “everything is fine,” or you can choose to acknowledge it and think, “this isn’t what I wanted, but I can still make something good of it.”

Imagine the nor’easter blows through on the day of your outdoor wedding. Practicing toxic positivity would have the bride standing outside as the decorations blow over, saying, “It’s absolutely gorgeous out! We don’t need to move anything inside!”

That’s ignoring reality.

Practicing optimism sounds more like: I’m disappointed that I can’t have the outdoor wedding I pictured, and I wish the weather were different. I’m still going to appreciate the fact that the people I love most are all together in one place.

An Account Executive for the New York Football Giants captured this idea in a recent LinkedIn post: “2 things you can always control are effort and attitude!”

Again, that’s where the choosing part comes in.

When we feel like we have the freedom to choose how we respond, we’re a whole lot happier.

And unlike the nor’easter, that’s within our control.

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Find one thing that brings you joy today.